ON PATROL WITH OFFICER DANNO – EPISODE 1 – “NAKED AS A JAILBIRD”


Circa 1997, I'm working Zone 2, Day Midwatch. I’m Officer Danno. Today, only my Cruiser’s Radio is my Partner.

I’m rolling Eastbound on E. Broad St., whereas I glance over to my right to see a wad of clothing spread about in the grass at the base of a tree, outside of a mental health center. I'm thinking what is that all about? Then, I see a naked guy climbing said tree.

"Radio, if you have another car clear, start 'em my way for 1515 E. Broad St. I know nobody is gonna’ believe this, but I got a naked male white 16b (mental disturbance) climbing a tree at this location."

There's an uncomfortable pause over the radio, and I'm beginning to wonder if the transmission even went out. The dispatcher then comes over the air, apparently laughing so hard that it sounds as if she's choking on her lunch.

"Any car (hahaha) in the area that can start (hahahaha) for 1515 E. Broad St. to backup car 126 on a (hahaha) naked 16b?" Silence.

As I climb out of my cruiser, Tarzan begins to rapidly descend from his perch at such a rapid pace, that I'm convinced he had to have been raised by an endangered species of mountain gorillas. Thinking he's coming down so as to run away, he instead makes a mad dash right at me, and is closing the gap faster than an NFL running back with his be-hind on fire. Suddenly hit with the regurgitating thought of rolling around in the grass with a naked dude, along with the possibility of him getting the best of me and pinning me to the ground, with his sweaty bare nasty in my face, as passersby form a crowd to enjoy the show, I quickdraw my pepper spray. As Tarzan reaches to within 20 feet, I spray him with a burst that would stop an angry rhino.

Although now blinded, he's still charging in a fit of rage. I sidestep Tarzan, and trip him as he's whizzing by me. Tarzan does a four-point landing, followed by a strong, bouncing face plant, and rolls several feet like a bowling ball shot out of a cannon. I waste no time running up and driving my knee into his back before he has the chance to spring back to his feet. As he's struggling, he's growling like a rabid dog and gnashing his teeth, further strengthening my resolve not to give this crazy guy the opportunity to pull a reversal with my head ending up between his hairy legs. Can you imagine my pain and agony over THAT at a substation full of a heap of big cops with big egos? That’s what I thought!

I'm now struggling to get his hands behind his back for the bracelets, and there's still no response over the radio as to my request for backup. Dispatcher advises: "126, I have no cars clear on Zone 2. Checking with Zone 1 at this time." In other words, "Sorry about your luck, Pal, but for now, you're on your own!"  With my hands full, I cannot answer back, and after several attempts to raise me on the air, and per standard operating procedures, the dispatcher declares a 10-3 (officer in trouble). “Oh, my God. I have the calvary coming. How will I ever live this one down?”

"Cars on 12, we have a 10-3 on car 126...1515 E. Broad St....cars marking?" Silence. With sweat pouring down, gasps for oxygen, and being about near out of gas, I get the second bracelet wrapped and welcome the comforting ratcheting sound as I tighten it around his wrist. I'm now able to come up on the radio and cancel the 10-3. Tarzan continues his meltdown and is flailing violently on the ground, but I'm able to keep him pinned down. I literally sat on this guy's back for over 15 minutes before a 5 precinct car showed up. If I had radioed that it was a naked female in a tree, I would have had half of the on-duty cops in the city showing up...guaranteed!!!  :P And that’s the story, folks, from ON PATROL WITH OFFICER DANNO. Copy that? 10-4. Out!

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